....but at the same time we're still young--

i've moved--!♥

2007-09-25T01:52:54Z

I'VE MOVED! :D
coloredicons

come join/watch my new community, there will be cool miyavi porn parties! /lies

but seriously though, sorry for all the moving--switching users to post/reply to comments just turned out to be too much work. (very very very lazy).<3

TUTORIAL 1; sora

2007-09-23T13:58:18Z

this is so exciting--my first tutorial, ever! this is for almateria at orenjii_icons, requested from my icon post here. hope this helps, dearie! :D

we'll be going from...
to

i'm sorry if its not very clear--its my first tutorial, and i wasn't quite sure how to explain some of the steps. please don't hesitate to ask me any questions!
oh, and feel free to tell me if there are any mistakes--there are probably a ton. |D;;

[FEEL FREE TO FRIEND THIS JOURNAL]
[I'D LOVE TO SEE RESULTS! :D]
[WANT TO AFFILIATE? TELL ME IN A COMMENT!]
[THIS WAS DONE IN ADOBE PHOTOSHOP CS3]

OMGLOL MORE ICONS YOU GUYS!! 8)

2007-09-22T19:49:52Z

I C O N S ;
[x15] Kingdom Hearts
[x6] Gaspard Ulliel
[x2] Prince of Tennis Doujinshi

KINGDOM HEARTS

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Created with angelamaria's Icon Table Generator @ Bauble

LILI'S SUPER-SPECIAL REQUESTED MIYAVI ICON
......oh god, sorry lil, it kind of sucks, my creativity was leaking away. you don't have to use it. |D
ask before taking this (although why you'd want it idk. cries), i'll probably say yes!

If anyone wants a tutorial on any of these icons or want to become affiliates, tell me! (:

[NO HOTLINKING OR EDITING]
[COMMENT AND CREDIT EITHER mich3ll3_1126 OR artistique_m ]
[RESOURCES @ PROFILE]
[FEEL FREE TO FRIEND THIS JOURNAL]

[icons]

2007-09-06T19:28:15Z

I C O N S ;
[x27] FF7: 10th Anniversary Gallery

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Created with angelamaria's Icon Table Generator @ Bauble

[NO HOTLINKING OR EDITING]
[COMMENT AND CREDIT EITHER mich3ll3_1126 OR artistique_m ]
[RESOURCES @ PROFILE]
[FEEL FREE TO FRIEND THIS JOURNAL]

[ryouchi] well meaning fiction pg

2007-05-31T01:47:17Z

Title: Well Meaning Fiction
Genre: Uh. AU/Angst
Pairing: ryouchi
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: Ryo sits up and feels decidedly pathetic. Today will be a good day, he tells himself.

AN - This is really weird, written in about fifteen minutes, very short, un-beta'd. Point out mistakes for me, prz?

"ryo," he whispers, and his voice, his touch, is like a ghost. his fingers brush slowly over ryo's face, his throat, his eyelids.

the sunlight glints off of the glass windows at his back. they are so far up above the ground.

uchi's fingers feel like butterfly wings. they send tiny shivers down ryo's back. he shouldn't be doing this, should he?

ryo breathes uchi's name, and it rolls off his tongue like rain. he has uttered the name before, in the darkest moments of his existence, when sobs choke his lungs and bile rises in his throat. the name is familiar. the name is safe.

"uchi, i--"

"i don't want to go." ryo is confused. he doesn't get how this fits.

i don't understand, ryo is about to say, but he doesn't get to.

"i can't look down," uchi tells him, "i have a fear of heights." there is nothing but water surrounding them, but it is so far away. ryo could probably jump and fall for a while before he hits the water.

"oh," ryo says cheerily. "there's nothing to be scared of. it'd just be like flying, you know?"

uchi frowns. "i don't much like flying, either."

there is silence. the waves break on the hard black stone.

this will be the last time. they both know this. after this, everything will be different, different, different.

"it hurts," ryo mutters. his fingers reach up to grasp uchi's hair.

uchi's grip tightens on ryo's arm. they stay still forever.

"i know." uchi says. "i don't want to go."

ryo moves, earnestly. "uchi, don't go," he pleads. the water below shimmers. the obsidian marble under ryo's hands feels cold.

uchi's eyes look bright and wet. ryo wants to grip him tighter, hold him, hold him so tight until they are one, and uchi's heart and soul are his. it would be a fair trade, ryo reasons sensibly, since uchi already had his.

"i need to, i can't go back on any promises." uchi is drifting farther away, ryo can feel him stirring, standing, leaving.

"you'll fall," he warns, desperate hands grasping at uchi's, eyes pleading and begging and crying.

uchi doesn't look at him. the sun is going down down down, running away over the vast horizon filled with nothing but water. "it's okay," uchi says. "a fall once in a while is good for you."

i don't understand, ryo wants to say, again, but then suddenly everything is bright white light.

Ryo's eyes shoot open and he is grabbing at hands that are no longer there. He is alone, on the floor of his empty apartment, the morning sunlight filtering in through the blinds.

"Uchi?" He asks, but he knows no one will answer. He raises a hand over his eyes, staring at the ceiling from between five fingers, until his neck starts to cramp on the wood floor.

Ryo sits up and feels decidedly pathetic. Today will be a good day, he tells himself. His hands fumble at the coffee table for a tie. He actually only owns two; one is a bright lime green, and the other is dark red.

After he is dressed in a nice suit and has fastened the red tie around his neck, he turns to stare at the clock. The red digital numbers read 9:26, before they blink off and change to the date; August 5th. Ryo doesn't want to think about this, doesn't want to do anything about this, Ryodoesn'twanttogo.

His cell phone rings, and Ryo steps out his door on his way to Uchi Hiroki's wedding. He remembers to lock the door behind him.

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edit; never really realized how much it sounds like i ganked the plot from prodai until i reread it, but i didn't. D;

[ryouchi] Waking Ashland PG-13

2007-05-07T01:30:10Z

Title: Waking Ashland
Genre: Angst?
Pairing: Ryouchi
Disclaimer: Not mine. ;((((
Summary: Eating disorders, kidnapping(ish) and Uchi-bullying all in 2,187 words. Nice. Title is ganked from the band, it’s a great band btw.

100% unbeta-ed, don't hesitate to correct me in anything. Also, I am a failure at grammar. :|
THIS IS MY FIRST FANFIC. EVER. DDDDD;

I AM A TAD BIT NERVOUS. sfdh;lsdfhlfkdjsh; uhm, sorry for killing flists.

One

Uchi knows that people will lie to him. It’s something that Ryo has warned him about, again and again until it is firmly ingrained in his mind.

Ryo tells him to be assertive, and Ryo tells him not the cry. Ryo, the one who calls him Hiroki, and the one Uchi knows can secretly make delicious blueberry pancakes. Ryo is the one who makes time to come over every week just to say hello and sit in front of the TV with him, even though Ryo is so busy and tired and can barely stay awake.

Ryo is the one who didn’t say a word to him after his suspension.

Two

His voice mail was full of messages the morning after he came back from that night, and checking it was the only thing he did before he collapsed into bed.

“Ne, Uchi-kun, I heard about the—the news. I, uh, know we’re not that close, but I just wanted to tell you to do your best, and that we’re all waiting for you—”

“Uchi-sempai, are the rumors really true? I was really looking forward to dancing with you at the next Music Station—”

“Uchi! This is your mother, the man from the office called me and told me what happened. Is this true, Uchi? I’m disappointed in you—”

“Uchi-kun! I heard about that from Yu, and I honestly don’t believe it, they’re clearly crazy, Uchi, Uchi you have to come see us we want to see you Uchi--”

Uchi takes a trip, a vacation, because he can’t stand the sound of his own name anymore. It rolls off of his tongue all wrong, and leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

He never hears from Ryo until a month has passed, and by then Ryo was already looking tired.

“Too many press conferences,” Ryo had wrote in his text, “and too many reporters. They all want to see you.”

Uchi flips his phone shut and looks out of the window in the small hotel he’s been living in, sighs and wonders and twirls his hair around his finger.

Three

Uchi has been away from his apartment for almost three months already, staying in this small, forgotten beach house-turned-motel by the shore. Every morning Uchi wakes up and takes a walk, collecting shells and pebbles and also collecting sand in his shoes.

The sunsets here are different than those in Osaka, but he can’t really remember why. Maybe it is the colors; more oranges and yellows and blood-reds. Back in Tokyo, he couldn’t see the sunset at all.

His inbox is full; 87 messages. He scans through the names and subjects so fast that they all blur together into meaningless kanji. He deletes them all without reading any.

“Rude,” a voice comments, and Uchi whirls around and snaps his phone shut, wide eyes turning towards the door.

He hasn’t seen Ryo’s face in what seems to be forever.

Uchi opens his mouth, and then closes it. Ryo smirks, but it isn’t condescending in any way. Instead, Uchi fancies that he can see a trace of sadness in the wrinkles of his grin.

“You hungry?” Ryo asks, and Uchi simply nods, his eyes still fixed on the other’s face.

It looked drawn and older and there were bags under Ryo’s eyes where none existed before, but Uchi doesn’t care. He wants to touch him.

“Hiroki.”

Uchi blinks and is surprised to find that Ryo is much closer now than he was before. His heart beats a little faster.

“You don’t have to stay out here all alone,” Ryo whispers, but Uchi can barely hear him over the pounding in his ears.

The shorter man embraces him, and Uchi can feel the warmth radiating from Ryo’s chest. It is comforting, and Uchi closes his eyes and breathes in his scent, once, twice.

And then suddenly, Uchi can no longer breathe, and his eyes fly open. White cloth infused with something soft and silky covers his nose and mouth and Ryo is holding it there, grip tightening as the seconds tick by.

Blood pounds in Uchi’s ears and he wants to scream, fingers clawing at Ryo’s arm, but the scent is lightweight and it makes his tired, so he stops.

Slowly Uchi’s head falls back against Ryo’s arm and the black-haired man slowly releases his grip, letting the cloth fall away. Uchi’s breathing has evened out and his eyes are closed, eyelashes long and brushing his skin, glimmering and wet with small tears.

“I’m sorry,” Ryo whispers to the room, fingers tightening on Uchi’s arm. “But you wouldn’t have come back any other way.”

Four

The drive home is quiet, Ryo’s hands grip the wheel agitatedly. Uchi sleeps in the backseat, and Ryo wonders how long the drug will stay in effect. He has put both their phones in the pocket of his jacket, and they dig into his thigh painfully.

The sky is almost completely dark now, and the moon glows above the tall trees lining the road. Ryo slows down as he starts to pass through residential neighborhoods, the windows of each house filled with warm yellow lights.

They ride the rest of the way back on the train, Uchi leaning against Ryo’s shoulder until it is numb. Ryo digs out his phone with his other hand and awkwardly begins to text Subaru.

“We’re coming back,” Ryo writes.

Five

No one asks how Ryo convinced Uchi to come back. Ryo had brought him back to Ryo’s own apartment laid Uchi down on his bed. Minutes later Subaru was pounding on the door with Hina hot on his heels. He suspects that Hina has been staying over at Subaru’s for a while now, but for what purpose he honestly does not want to know. They both seem to think that Ryo found Uchi at the hotel weak and sick, and had carted him back without protest. Ryo wasn’t about to correct them.

That was why no one worried when Uchi stopped eating.

Yassu visits Uchi almost daily, which means that Ohkura does as well. Occasionally, Maru and Yoko would come by with flowers and Get Well Soon! cards.

Uchi doesn’t remember anything.

He waits in Ryo’s bed for him to come home. He straightens his bookshelves and his stacks of CD’s, like a housewife. Ryo always leaves food out for him, but Uchi doesn’t think he can eat, and dumps it down the garbage disposal. He feels slightly guilty, but as long as Ryo doesn’t find out, he can’t bring himself to worry too much about it.

Uchi grows thinner, and Hina worries about him. Uchi feels better when he doesn’t eat. When he does he feels gross, like he hasn’t taken a shower in days. All day long, he simply sits and stares at the TV, or out the window, and he feels lonely. Ryo doesn’t come back until 3 or 4 AM, some nights.

Uchi hates the feeling of being stifled.

There is one night where Ryo doesn’t come home at all. Uchi acts like he doesn’t care at all, and shoos Yassu away when the other boy offers to stay the night.

“Ryo-chan is probably still caught up in work,” Uchi reassures Yassu, and himself.

“Okay,” Yassu laughs, grabbing his jacket and toeing on his shoes, “Just remember to eat, ne?”

And with one final grin, Yassu leaves. The door closes and Uchi is alone.

Uchi spends the night sprawled out across the bed, which seems big and empty and far too cold.

The next morning found Uchi alone and shivering, the window that Yassu had opened is letting in the chilly morning air. Uchi stands and stretches before deciding to leave the window open. A little fresh air has never hurt anyone.

He flips on the TV and sits perfectly still for a moment, just to see if he can. A breeze blows in, clean and crisp and smelling of spring.

The TV anchorman cracks a joke, and the blonde woman next to him bursts into hysterical, shrilly laughter. Uchi sits back as he mutes the TV and puts his feet up onto the couch, sitting cross-legged. He waits to be reprimanded, like Ryo always does, because he hates it when people put their feet on his couch.

There is silence.

Six

Three months pass and Uchi is tired of waiting for Ryo.

He moves back into his old apartment without saying goodbye, and he finds it dusty and crammed and dark. His mother has been paying the rent for him. She believed that he’d been there all along.

Uchi has already lost ten pounds. His face is thin and gaunt and sunken, and his hair is duller now, and limp. Ryo looks like he wants to ask him about it, but he never does.

Uchi spends countless days staring up at his ceiling fan. It takes 45 minutes for the fan to take 12 rotations, and Uchi knows because he has counted.

Uchi still does not eat.

Eating disorders aren’t strangers to the boys of Johnny’s Entertainment.

It starts as young as the Juniors, and many are forced to drop out. Somehow the managers seem to keep every case and detail hush-hush, but the truth is hard and cold.

Uchi Hiroki is not the first and most definitely not the last, but he is the only one that matters.

Seven

Ryo cannot take it any longer. The other six members have all been asking him about Uchi. Even through their infrequent visits to Uchi’s apartment they can tell that he has A Problem.

“Ryo.”

The man turns and is greeted by Subaru’s unusually serious face. His eyes shift and he sees the rest of them. Yassu is biting his lip and Maru is tapping his foot nervously.

“Uhm.” Subaru clears his throat. “We need to talk. About Uchi.”

Ryo leans back in what he thinks, hopes, is a casual manner. “Yeah? So what’s up?”

Subaru’s face scrunches up in distaste, and shoots a glance at Hina. The other man steps forward and speaks for him. “Ryo, I’m sure you’ve noticed, but Uchi hasn’t been eating properly lately…”

Ryo purses his lips pensively. No one says a word.

“…And?” He prompts finally, and his tone comes off as disinterested. Uncaring.

Hina’s voice breaks. “Well, we just uh, wanted to see if you could talk to him.”

Ryo shrugs, and turns away. “Do it yourself.”

He can hear the sound of breaking glass as he slams the door shut.

Eight

Uchi doesn’t really care that Ryo hasn’t visited him in a long, long time. Ryo has stopped coming over and making him blueberry pancakes, like he used to. Ryo doesn’t come to sit with him in front of the TV, and Ryo doesn’t tell him to take his feet off the couch.

Uchi spirals down and down as he sits in the middle of his living room floor, which seems foreign to him. He is not used to this. He is used to Ryo’s big king-sized bed, pushed up against the wall. He is used to Ryo’s classical music CD’s and his large shoe collections lined up neatly by the doorway. His doormat seems too empty, and his kitchen too hollow.

He dreams that he can see Ryo standing above him, eyes dark and angry. This Ryo isn’t the Ryo that he wants, exactly, but Uchi isn’t picky.

“Fuck,” he hears, and he feels himself being lifted in one easy motion. His head lolls back and his eyes flutter closed. He has a headache, and he wonders why he is moving.

He feels warmness surround him, and an arm settles over his shoulders.

“Why would you do this to yourself?”

Uchi feels heavy, and he can’t open his eyes. He tries to say something, say anything, but he can’t. Instead, he settles for gripping the arm around him. Ryo’s arm.

“Idiot.” Uchi feels a smile tugging at his lips, and he is happier than he has been in half a year since he got suspended. A tear escapes his eye, and Uchi blinks it away, hoping that Ryo won’t notice.

The older man stays silent, but his grip tightens, and the next thing Uchi knows, tears are streaming down his cheeks and sobs are escaping from his throat, loud and racking and painful. Ryo pulls him into his chest, and feels the wetness soak through his shirt.

Ryo can hold both of Uchi’s wrists in one hand. Everything about him is so completely frail, like a porcelain doll. It makes his heart wrench achingly, and all he can do is stroke Uchi’s hair, again and again and again.

I didn’t mean to, he repeats, over and over inside his head, I didn’t want to, I didn’t want this, I didn’t want to leave you, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Ryo has told Uchi before to be careful of liars. Ryo has told him never to cry. Ryo has warned Uchi about people just like himself.

Uchi has waited six months, two weeks, and four days for Ryo to come back to him.

fin.

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